My friend Jeremy Pollock (who’s stupid idea it was to run for mayor then when I did it all but disappeared!) grouped me into a Twitter conversation about Donald Trump in the world of Dungeons and Dragons. I took 10 minutes out of my buzy day to reply on Twitter, but then went home and expanded my thoughts and I’m sharing it here with you. Enjoy!
The conversation begins:
Yesterday at âª#DND we discussed in length what character Donald Trump would be. Decided:
My reply was originally on Twitter, so it was shorter and in truncated text, but here is what I said:
Oh you couldn't be more wrong. Donald Trump is Lawful Evil. Like a Bond villain. Miller is Neutral Evil. Bannon is Neutral Evil. Hillary is Neutral Evil. Hitler was criminally insane, but Mussolini was Neutral Evil. Harvey Weinstein is Lawful Evil. It's about context. And power. Trump wants to be loved. He wants to win.
Jeremy retorts: I generally agree with Chicken’s ability scores. I’m
out of practice, but Trump seems like a natural born chaotic evil to me.
From the official alignment page:
“A chaotic evil character does whatever his greed, hatred, and lust for destruction drive him to do. He is hot-tempered, vicious, arbitrarily violent, and unpredictable. If he is simply out for whatever he can get, he is ruthless and brutal. If he is committed to the spread of evil and chaos, he is even worse. Thankfully, his plans are haphazard, and any groups he joins or forms are poorly organized. Typically, chaotic evil people can be made to work together only by force, and their leader lasts only as long as he can thwart attempts to topple or assassinate him.
Chaotic evil is sometimes called "demonic" because demons are the epitome of chaotic evil.
Chaotic evil beings believe their alignment is the best because it combines self-interest and pure freedom.
Chaotic evil is the most dangerous alignment because it represents the destruction not only of beauty and life but also of the order on which beauty and life depend.”
There are very few living examples of people who are Chaotic Evil: pimps, Hannibal Lector, drug lords, that fat mayor from Canada... jails are full of them. But super rare that you would interact with one. Psychopaths and stuff. Mordrid was Chaotic Evil. The Night King from Game of Thrones is Chaotic Evil. The Joker ect… This kind of evil is hatred for life and beauty. Freedom to act outside of any system or rules. Think bloodlust...
Here is my assement of Donald Trump in the D&D world:
Character class and level:
Donald Trump would be a multi classed Thief/Nobelman 5/10
75 hp (d6 for Thief, d4 for Noble plus Con bonus)
AC: 40 (per pin, suit, and innate ability to deflect blame)
Special attack: mass confusion 5x p/day
Special attack: arcane script w/ text or tweet 3 times p/day
Special attack: prevarication, save vs. will at -10 or believe on successful hit target is weakened while 100’ of Trump no save
Legendary resistance: Trump resists any/all first successful hits
Legendary resistance: Trump immune to critical hits
Immune to poison/pet/paralysis, psionics, shame attacks and logic
+15 morale to allies
+13 on attacks against females/immigrants
Special Wisdom score adjustment: Wisdom score reduced by 10 points and -15 to willpower saves while monologuing
Trump wears a +6 American Flag pin of protection
Suit of distraction: as displacer cloak, suit doesn’t fit, is confusing
Microphone of fear: as per Clerical spell, Caster Level 15
Glyph of Bane: anywhere the word Trump is spelled out like on plane, building ect… causes mass fear/weakness
Wig of glamour: shitty +1 wig of glamour but it’s falling apart
Ability scores are determined by rolling three d6. So you generate a number from 3 to 18. The ability to speak begins at 3 or 4 intelligence. Threading a needle would require a 6 dexterity. The 3 wisdom score you gave him would make him a smoker, a drinker, unable to stay on script as a speaker and so on…
My scores for The Donald are here:
Strength measures more than martial prowess and brute force. It also considers how a person is put together. He is big: 6'2" or so. He is (or at least was) above average strength. 13
Intelligence How he can do what he does and stay out of jail and leverage a reality tv show into the presidency makes him a genius. That you underestimate him makes you not a genius. 18. If not 19.
Dexterity probably nothing overwhelming. But certainly not less than average. He’s pretty deft at dodging the truth! Considering his immaculate penmanship and poise for a photo shoot I'm gonna say 11.
Wisdom this going to be the tricky one. Because I want to call out his ineptitude but that doesn't mean he isn't wise. It measures decision making. And he makes great choices. The best choices. And we don't know how much of his bungling is manufactured (probably a lot). 14 (with a qualifier that it goes down to 4 while his talking to an audience)
Constitution 12 diet cokes a day? I read the art of the deal. He works 18 hours a day. Talks for hours. Looks pretty healthy to me. He can be under tremendous pressure and still perform. All that assaulting and raping... I'm gonna go 14.
Charisma you may want to give him high charisma score but I don't. Just because he has an innate ability to cast Mass Charm doesn't mean he has a high charisma. But confidence is also part of a Charisma score as well as comeliness. Only because of his endless confidence and public speaking… 13
…but it doesn't end there, no. There is another score he has. They only touch on it in the 5th edition rulebook:
Luck In DCC luck score is everything. Donald Trump has a bafflingly high luck score. There has never been a luckier person than this motherfucker. From his being born into a billionare family to his dumb luck with the birther thing to his pairing against Hillary the least liked politician in history and on and on... no one has ever seen anything like it. He will fall, of course. Disgrace and everyone will turn on him. Of course. But if I had to assign him a luck score that number would be 20. Impossibly high.
But truth be told as a Dungeon Master now closing in on 40 years I have to say that Donald Trump isn't a PC or even a NPC. Donald Trump is a monster. Donald Trump is the end of a 20th level dungeon crawl. Sitting on a mountain of gold, sparkling gems and priceless works of art that he neither understands nor appreciates. In his horde are magical artifacts that are souvenirs he has collected from defeated enemies that he has no idea how to operate. You beat him by getting him monologuing and trap him with his own magic. He exists to be vanquished. It will take a evenly balanced party to break through his defenses and ultimately meet him head on and defeat him in his lair. A party that is out of balance or inexperienced will end up TPK (total party killed). It takes experience, trickery, magic and martial prowess to take him. That horde? It’s our economy. The artworks are our NEA and other programs tha t are disappearing. The magic items there are our Constitution, our Civil Liberties and our laws. There are people who can give you hints on how to hurt him, and tell you of vulnerability’s, but they are hard to find and difficult to work with. There is a map, but it’s tricky to read and incomplete. That is how this module is played.
Thanks for reading chickenjohn